


A Totally Tasteful Customer Focused Burlesque Art form

by Blue Rose (Grovehove)



Series: Dear Future Husband [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-18 20:06:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16523753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grovehove/pseuds/Blue%20Rose
Summary: Stiles is panicking. Isaac thinks the end of the world is nigh. JARVIS needs lessons from Stiles about being a little shit. Stiles wants lessons from JARVIS about being the king of snark. Peter just wants peace and quiet so he can seduce his man, again and again and again.The flying ducks are coming home to roost bringing  Pork Pie hats and unimpressed parental figures.P.S Stiles has a secret collection of Isaac's curls.....





	A Totally Tasteful Customer Focused Burlesque Art form

**48 hours before Peter Hale meets the Winter Soldier.**

There was a loud crash as the half full mug of coffee shattered on the floor.  Morning sunshine threw the puddle of dark liquid into relief and the splatter looked like a huge join the dots drawing of an octopus.

Isaac blinked. His pretty eyes widened in disbelief.  Stiles Stilinski did not waste coffee. Ever. He even drank the stuff cold. Coffee was the Holy Grail. Coffee was life blood. All hail the god Coffee. Coffee was elixir and ambrosia combined. Coffee was the youngest Stilinski’s soulmate liquefied. Coffee was… all over the damn place and there were no shrieks of despair, gnashing of teeth, disgusting attempts to slurp it from the floor (no, no don’t go there Isaac. What happens during mid-terms stays during mid-terms) or wrenching of head hair. (“Swear to God, Stiles one more time and I will gut you. My curls are not detachable”).

What the actual fuck?

 Isaac dragged his fascinated gaze away from the ever creeping coffee tentacles and stared at his pale-faced, wide-eyed, strangely silent pack mate. He needed to make a note in his journal. It was a momentous day. Not only was there coffee running for its life across their kitchen floor but Stiles’s mouth was flapping like a flag in a silent movie. No sound. No groan. No whines. Just silence. Stiles Stilinski was silent.    


Isaac started searching his clothes frantically for his cell. He had to call the Emergency Services, the Sheriff and NORAD. He wasn’t even sure in which order but they all had to be informed.  This was it. The Apocalypse was coming. The End of the World was nigh.  They were doomed. The four horsemen were breathing down his neck. Damn he should have put on a scarf this morning. Fuck a flying duck!

“Dude… I snogged Tony Stark”, the faint words were uttered in a disbelieving whisper. The croaky voice continued, rising with hysteria “Dude, Dude, we bared flesh for the Avengers and I kissed Tony Stark.”

Despairing amber brown eyes stared into Isaac’s confused navy blue. Was that all? No apocalypse? No horseman giving him goosebumps. The draft on his neck must have come from the gap in the kitchen window. How dare Stiles scare him like that? His wolf rose to the surface to be part of his revenge, his navy eyes turning to glowing gold as he began to smirk.

“Nekkid nipples in front of Captain America” Isaac chimed in mockingly.  Stiles buried his head in his hands with a pathetic whine.    
“Oh my god we are going to hell for besmirching the purity of America’s Darling. Even worse if my Dad finds out I danced exotically in front of his hero, he will de-frock me, excommunicate me, exile me to Australia on a ghostly prison ship where I will be forced to swab the decks.  I will be an ex-Stilinski.” The words were tumbling out of Stiles mouth faster than he could draw breath. He was making up for his momentous momentary silence now.

“Danced exotically? Danced exotically? I thought it was a totally tasteful customer focused burlesque experience?” Isaac continued with a snarky giggle.   
  
Stiles’s head shot up like a rather large but still cute meerkat. He scowled at the curly-haired little shit and was about to physically rip Isaac’s tongue out of his laughing mouth when the curly-haired mocking menace excelled himself.  
  
“Who do you think would get to you first, your Dad or Derek?”  
  
Stiles’ mouth dropped open as he stared at his partner in crime with utter horror.

Isaac, the unfeeling bastard, laughed so hard his curls were agitated. Stiles fingers twitched with the need to tug until he had a handful for his secret collection but his crisis of conscience was too important. He would wait until Isaac was asleep and take care of business with his trusty nail scissors.   
  
“Seventy years in the ice didn’t stop Cap’s ass stroking tendencies Stiles, he groped my butt Dude, my cute little butt. Besides I reckon Iron Man has done more than his fair share of besmirching the Man with a Plan especially when he is wearing his Star spangled banner.” Isaac tried to re-assure his distraught pack mate even if he couldn’t stop laughing.

“I can console myself with the knowledge that we will never have to see them again. Derek and Dad will never ever know.” Stiles muttered with desperation.  
  
Then Stiles narrowed his eyes and his retaliation was offered so sweetly to the still amused Wolf that it took a few seconds for the full horror to hit Isaac  
  
“Hopefully that will include Scott, Allison and Chris too Dude.”

Utter silence surged back into kitchen as two pairs of eyes refused to look at each other anymore and instead surveyed the mutating coffee octopus join the dot pattern on the tiles.

  
**48 hours after Peter has bearded (or used his beard on) the Winter Soldier at the Compound**. 

“Young Officer Woods, a pleasure to speak with you once more. It has only been nine minutes and three seconds since we last spoke regarding this topic. You are to be congratulated that you have broken the ten minute record you set earlier this morning. However I’m afraid Mr Peter Hale is as yet unavailable to respond to your call. He and Sergeant Barnes are still tied up, as I have relayed to you a total of forty three times since our intermittent but protracted conversation first commenced yesterday afternoon at 2.00 pm Eastern seaboard time” 

Stiles so wanted to be JARVIS when he grew up. The guy was a master of the art of Snark. He was the Supreme Lord of Sarcasm in that polite British voice.    
But right now, right at this moment in time, currently, Stiles just wanted to smack him round the head with a Crosse (yeah he knew JARVIS didn’t have a head, but there must be a server somewhere he could whack and give the stalling sarcastic software a headache in retaliation for stalling and being sarcastic).   
  
This was important damn it. Wait what was he thinking? Maybe he needed to whack himself with the Crosse instead. If Uncle P was too busy ravishing that scary soldier dude to answer a call, then he was too busy to make any calls to anyone else, say like a particular Alpha or a particular Sheriff who was also a particular parent.  A very particular parent when it came to his only son. Okay then. Maybe no more hassling the super intelligent incorporeal AI dude with ultimate access to the Internet who has no shame or compunction in taking revenge on those foolish enough to irritate him. If JARVIS had the balls to prank his own creator who could in theory overwrite his code, and donate him to a community college, then his man JARVIS could squash Stiles like a bug. 

**48 hours after Stiles last phone call.**

Peter Hale stared with smirking satisfaction and no little pride at the utterly exhausted super soldier who lay sprawled naked across their bed. Hmm it appeared that werewolf stamina could more than hold its own against the strength of a horny super soldier. It had helped that it had been the full moon, it had given him some extra zip, pep, glow or just plain old fashioned strength. Not that he intended to let his new Mate know that, not yet at least. They were still working through their competitive phase. He trailed a gentle slightly sharper than usual nail down from the nape of the Soldier’s neck towards the intriguing dip at the base of his spine when his hand was captured and then he was suddenly beneath the wide awake smirking sex god who was his mate.

“I didn’t know wolves could purr Peter”, the deep sultry voice murmured next to his twitching ear.

Peter’s smile was wide and lethal. “This wolf can do whatever he damn well pleases” he murmured back before rolling his mate so that he was on top again. All that luscious skin to skin contact made him want to purr even more.

Bucky’s laugh was bright as he grinned up at Peter but both their smiles turned to groans when they heard JARVIS politely but firmly deliver the messages he had received whilst they had been incommunicado.   
  
Bucky had teasing complaints mostly from Steve and Tony, he was pleased to note that Bruce, Sam and Natasha had left him alone. But Barton was a dead man. He had just left a series of ever more annoying wolf whistles. Bucky was going to get the Archer’s favourite compound bow and shove it…  But his thoughts were interrupted by numerous messages that turned out to be even more annoying than Barton’s.  
  
“Uncle P. I need to talk to you.” “Uncle P, ring me back” “Uncle P, seriously ZW how long does it take to …” “Uncle Peter ring meeeeeeee” “Uncle P, Uncle P, Uncle P, Uncle P…. I can keep this up all day Peter. No young Sir you cannot. You are not using any more of my processing system to be annoying. Call back later” JARVIS’s voice blessedly interrupted the kid.

Bucky snorted with amusement. “Reached your limit JARVIS?” “Indeed Sergeant Barnes, the young person actually hit my so far un-accessed tolerance buffers and I have been dealing with Sir all my life!”

Peter’s smirk grew. Only Stiles. Now what did the little pain in his ass want? Just as he was about to ask JARVIS to connect him to the brat, Bucky asked curiously “So are you an Uncle to those kids? I didn’t think they were related.”

“They aren’t but they are part of my pack so they have always called me Uncle and shortened my name to P. Only those darlings find it too difficult to say my whole name”

“Well I suppose they can call me Uncle Buck if they have to shorten everything” the soldier offered with a grin. It faded when he saw the appalled expression on Peter’s face “Oh Dear God no. Not Uncle Buck. I wouldn’t let those little deviants do that to you. The next thing we know there will be Pork Pie hats and long grey macs. No. No. No. No. No”

Peter’s wail of despair was cut off by another message from Stiles. “Hey Uncle P, does this mean we can call your man Uncle Buck” and the call faded away to the sound of the little shit laughing his rocks off.  Peter was not going to take this lying down. Even if he was lying down. 

**48 hours later back at the Compound.**

“So kid, I am dying to know where you kept your cell in that cop’s outfit.”

Before Stiles could respond, a familiar, so very familiar, voice calmly interrupted.

“Thank you Mr Stark. That was also one of the questions I wanted my son to answer after watching a very interesting video Peter sent to me.  I am curious to understand what a totally tasteful customer focused burlesque art form means as a legitimate business venture and how long it has been going on.”

A heavy hand clamped down on Isaac’s shoulder and firmly gripped it. “Seems the Sheriff and I have the same questions young man. I know Scott and Allison are going to be really interested in your answers too”

Stiles hissed at Isaac “What’s the matter with you. Couldn’t you tell my Dad and Chris were here?”  
  
“Not if Derek didn’t want him to darling boy” Peter smirked as he walked off to where his mate was showing his new pork pie hat to Captain America. He did indeed look rather fetching in it.

“Fuck a flying duck”.

**Author's Note:**

> So there was more inspiration. Bucky being called Uncle Buck. I just had to find a way to include that in this AU. Please he would look adorable in a pork pie hat! 
> 
> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Enjoy.


End file.
